“Without the dark there isn’t light. Without the pain there is no relief.”

Ten years ago, I would’ve never imagined that I would be where I am today. At the end of the last decade (2009), I was feeling scared and lost, unsure of what was ahead. I dreaded the holidays because it was always an immensely sad time for me. I didn’t know it at the time but some of the best years of life were waiting for me on the other side. This past decade has changed my life in so many remarkable ways. While there have been challenges, heartbreak, and sadness — a lot of really amazing things happened too. Here are a few highlights that come to mind from the past nine years.

• In 2010, I graduated from college, was ghosted by my boyfriend of 4 years, got my first post-collegiate job, and laid-off by the end of the year.

• In 2011, I worked several different jobs, befriended Andy, and by the end of the year, we decided to pursue a long-distance relationship.

• In 2012, I decided I wanted to go to grad school, so I spent the year studying, applying, and then waiting.

• In 2013, I found out I was accepted to three different graduate programs but decided on Northwestern. I finally got out of Utah and moved to Chicago. I survived the polar vortex and met a diverse and intelligent group of individuals from my cohort. i befriended people from over five different countries around the world.

• In 2014, I was selected to attend a Global Communication Seminar in London (my first time in the UK!). Andy asked me to marry him and I said yes. I got a great job offer in Austin and got to live out a life long dream of living in two places at once — I commuted back and forth between Austin and Chicago for 3 months every week. I graduated with my master’s degree from Northwestern, officially moved to Austin, and adopted both Hugo and Po.

• In 2015, Andy and I got married, bought/built a house, went on our honeymoon, and both got promoted at work. By the end of the year, we finally moved into our new house.

• In 2016, I went to New York for work and Andy came with me. We also traveled to Seattle in June for the first time for my family’s inaugural reunion trip. I got an amazing job offer in Seattle and moved in October. Andy and I lived apart for two months.

• In 2017, we sold the house, Andy officially moved out to Seattle with me and he got a job with the U.S. District Court. We went to Disneyland for my birthday and started Orangetheory.

• In 2018, we moved into a different apartment, I got to be on the NYSE floor while the company I worked for went public. I went to NYC twice. Andy and I also traveled to Austin, Washington D.C. and Boston. By the end of the year, I changed jobs.

So many wonderful things have happened in the past decade, yet I find myself in a similar place I was in 2009 — lost, scared, unsure of what’s ahead. Don’t get me wrong, I’m so grateful for my family, my pups, and Andy. The backbone to all the wonderful things in my life. But the past couple years have been tough. I had a major panic attack this year, one of the worst. I hate myself for being inherently sad and anxious all the time. As much as I openly try to break the stigma around mental health, I sometimes still catch myself feeling angry that I can’t just feel normal. 2019 in general is still a little hard to talk about. The wounds are still fresh.

As I pen my letter to 2020 and the next decade to come, I can’t help but wish for some of the same things I did ten years ago. A sign that things are going to be okay. Happier days and less sad ones. New questions that follow more answers. More adventures and less fear. Health and prosperity for everyone I care about. More love in the world.

Here’s to the next chapter, the beginning to (hopefully) an extraordinary new year and decade.

Cheers. 🍾